Dear Respected Comrade Kim Jong Un, Chairman of the Workers’ Party of Korea, Chairman of the State Affairs Commission of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army,
Or should I just call you Kid Kimmy? Because that’s what you’ve been acting like lately. Do you realize that you aren’t a child anymore? Sure, youngest leader, blah blah blah, but you aren’t a teen. When are you going to start “adulting” like the rest of us, really? When I was your age, I was developing gorgeous buildings and not threatening to demolish some in another country. What is all this I hear again, about nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons? Is that what you young punks are calling bath bombs these days? Or is it code for a substance I am yet to try? That reminds me, whatever happened to the body shop bath bombs and aroma oils I sent you last month? I’ve read all your fan mail to my office and not one of them thanked me for them. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to smuggle those things under the nose of the wifey? No, you don’t. Obviously, because you know nothing about women or bath bombs. Oh, by the way, congratulations on the “male heir”, finally. I hope he doesn’t have your hairline though. Or those yellowing teeth of yours. For Heaven’s sake, please use a charcoal toothpaste and cut down on the cigarettes, will you?
Now, this letter is not about any of these. It is about your pigeon of a messenger, informing the UN guys that you won’t be attending the peace summit. Haven’t we discussed this before? I’ve also sent you everything you asked for. Why are you being such a diva? We settled on a 1000 gallons of Swiss cheese and a 1000 bottles of Hennessy. I held up my end of the deal. I overstretched and also sent a Dior tote for Ri Sol Ju. Well, convey my regards to her. It took me a great deal of effort to hide it from Melania. Have you any idea, the amount of explaining I’d have to do if she found out that I was buying Dior bags for other women? And how many times have I told you, that you need to fix your internet or stick to one email id? I can’t keep track of them if you send me a new one each week.
Look, the only reason, I am tolerating all these tantrums of yours is because you said you’ve got my back against Vladimir. Don’t back out on me now, stick to the script and don’t improvise and get your ass down here to the peace summit. No ifs. No buts.
Dear Mr. Donald Trump,
Thanks for writing in to me. Really don’t appreciate the name calling. Not cool, even by your standards. The bath bombs you sent me gave me a skin allergy, had to call in dermatologists from LA. Cost me way more than your silly gift hamper. My Commander in chief tells me this could be intentional. Even for my eccentric self, it is really difficult to convince these guys that you didn’t do it on purpose.
Oh, when I say nuclear bombs, that’s what I mean, alright. 2000 of them. That’s 2 with 8 zeroes. Or that’s what they’ve told me.
Well, the Swiss cheese and booze was great, thanks for that. Sorry, I totally forgot to write about it in the last mail. Must have been the hangover.
Also thanks for the tote, Ri loved it. You really didn’t have to, you know. So, has Melania lost weight? Looks malnourished on your Instagram, lately. Well, you are twice my age but you haven’t yet learned how to keep your women in place. Maybe you could take tips from me. Ri does everything, I mean everything, I command her to. Anyway, to each their own.
I will ignore the other snide remarks you’ve made about the royal heir and keep this brief. The Putin plan is still on. This bombing threat is a PR strategy and you need not worry. And as for the Summit, I really cannot attend it because I have a naming ceremony to plan.
No heart feelings buddy.
Dear Respected Comrade Kim Jong Un, Chairman of the Workers’ Party of Korea, Chairman of the State Affairs Commission of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army